Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Honest Toddler

Last night I got to bed exhausted. I won't names, but somebody shrieked all afternoon, somebody who should have known better shat themselves and somebody came home from school covered in scary red allergic welts. My hip was killing me and I had a writing deadline. Today, I conquered the dirty house, watched Ivy give a speech at assembly and managed to get my column off. 

Swings and roundabouts. 

Also this week, via Cup of Jo, I cracked up at this post from Honest Toddler Little little bit too familiar. 

Honest Toddler Approved Recipes
1. Toast with Butter
Hold on to your seat! This is a yummy one!!
Step 1: Find an unbroken piece of perfect bread with no rips.
Step 2: Put in toaster. Don’t get distracted by a Facebook fight you have no business participating in.
Step 3: When toast pops out, INSPECT IT. Is it a uniform golden brown color? Is it still intact? If not, return to Step 1.
Step 4. Butter toast liberally.
Step 5: Ask toddler how he or she would like toast prepared or cut. Don’t make assumptions. You don’t know anything about anything.
Step 6: Serve toast.
Step 7: Has toddler changed their mind about toast? Does toddler want cut up toast to be whole again? Repair toast with your mind. If you’re not powerful enough, return to Step 1 AS MANY TIMES AS IT TAKES DON’T BE LAZY
2. Pasta with Butter
Mmmmmm! This is will be a hit every time!
Step 1: Make pasta on the stove using a pot and steam or smoke.
Step 2: Put pasta in a toddler-approved small bowl.
Step 3: Put in lots of butter. Don’t be shy or cheap.
Step 4: Mix it up properly.
Step 5: Blow until it’s the right temperature. We will be very angry if it’s too hot. VERY ANGRY.
Step 6: Do we have juice?
Step 7: Resist the urge to add spices or parmesan cheese which is not actual cheese but very small flakes of dry cheese and disgusting. If there is something wrong in your head and you try to add a puree of garbanzo beans or nutritional yeast you are not ready to be a parent.
Step 8: Serve pasta.
Step 9: Accept graciously that your toddler may no longer be hungry or may want toast (*see recipe above).
3. Crackers and Cheese
Step 1: Find an appropriate box of crackers. Ritz and Saltines are both OK. Crackers with visible seeds are NOT.
Step 2: Select 7-8 unbroken crackers. Place them on a plate.
Step 3: Select a normal, non-artisan cheese like mild cheddar. Cut squares that are all the same shape. Don’t let cracker crumbs stick to the cheese. Please take some pride in your work.
Step 4: Serve with juice in front of shows.
4. Cereal
Step 1: Find a good cereal. Good cereals have pieces that are all the same (ie. not granola). If you are a wonderful parent, you own a cereal like Corn Pops.
Step 2: Put cereal in a toddler-approved bowl. Ask the toddler before pouring if the bowl is OK.
Step 3: Ask the toddler if he or she would like milk.
Step 4: Pour milk.
Step 5: Serve cereal.
Step 6: After toddler has eaten 1-2 bites, throw away cereal without sighing or having a bad attitude.
Step 7: Pour 1 cup or dry cereal into a ziploc bag.
Step 8: Give to toddler to eat around the house and in front of shows.
Congratulations! Now you know how to cook for that special toddler in your home. Remember, the kitchen is not your personal science laboratory wherein family members are forced to consume your failed results. That’s pretty selfish, no?
If you get confused about cooking, ask grandma. She has many good recipes including but not limited to chicken nuggets.
I love you. xoxo HT
PS. Cake.


  1. I was sniggering loudly at this when the 12 year old asked what was funny. I read out to him the recipe for toast replacing the word toddler for child. It works in just the same way with 12 year olds but the last line is when the mother slams down the plate and says go and make your own toast!

  2. Oh see, now I KNOW my son is gifted because he eats his toast or crackers with Vegemite.

  3. All veeeeeery familiar. Frighteningly familiar, actually!


Thanks for talking to me. I don't got cooties. Oh, except for when I got cooties.