One day, I hope, in the not-too-distant future, I will start living in a more steady, predictable way and getting to enjoy the fun and creative bits of parenthood. I get to those when I am stronger of body, and it is those moments that make life sweet and memorable and inspiring. It feels like a while since I've been in that place.
Lately, I feel trapped in a cycle of panic, as my back goes out and I mentally obsess about how I will manage without bending or picking anything up ever again, and then it recovers and I am overcome with relief at being able to go about everyday life.
Everyday life with three kids under six involves a lot of strapping in and out of car seats, picking up clutter, and hauling laundry baskets. It's a super-bendy kind of job and it takes a level of energy and strength I am lacking right now.
This week it seems my bulging disc is waving hello again, and pinching the nerve that annoys it. Also, there is some sort of weird swelling on my spine. Osteo tomorrow. Fingers crossed etc.
I'm so tired of being in this loop. Spare minutes spent lying flat in bed, calculating kids TV and nap times so I can take a bath, losing my temper in the afternoon when the detritus of the day scatters the floor and all I can see are painful, frustrating pick-up sessions. The housework overwhelming me, the pace of life too much. One task tripping over the heels of the last, and too often, the sensation of failing in so many aspects of my job.
Tired of having a bad back.
Tired of whinging.
Tired.
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Hugs to you, dear girl. I've not a skerrick of advice but I am thinking of you, and your poor back. Hope it goes well at the osteo.
ReplyDeleteThanks Sallybones. It's feeling better, but still wrong. My osteo is pretty sure that the bulge - now thankfully settling down - is my errant rib out of place. OW and also EW. Both gruesome and painful. Winning!
DeleteOh Rachel, I hear you. I really hear you. xxx
ReplyDeleteThanks V. Your blog keeps not showing up on my feed but HOW ARE YOU? Gosh hope your stupid joints are holding together right now. Off to check out what's happening. xxx
DeleteA friend and I were recently discussing, how soon is too soon to install a Stannah stairlift? And not just on the stairs. Sending you heartfelt wishes that cycles break and backs bend painlessly with all possible haste. I know it must be a horrible sensation but I'm sure the failing is nothing more than a sensation... Bx
ReplyDeleteOh, a stairlift....and a housekeeper....and a fortnight on Lake Como...thanks bex. x
DeleteSorry to hear it Rach.
ReplyDeleteIs Ivy old enough for a pick-up-stuff-for-pocket-money scheme? It worked well in our house for a couple of years (until inflation caused some industrial unrest).
I was feeling guilty about it until I (conveniently) stumbled upon research showing one of the greatest predictors of a well-adjusted adult was having had chores as a child. This isn't quite that research, but is related:
http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/all_in_the_family/
May relax-and-repair vibes speed swiftly through your veins.
Love Sush xoxo
Thanks for the good vibes Sush. At the minute, 5 stamp-jobs done well gets you a Tuna Treat from Aldi. It is what motivates the kids this week and I am asking no questions...I look forward to reading through that research though. x
DeleteFingers crossed for you indeed. There's nothing more frustrating than feeling let down by your body and not being able to feel yourself. Best wishes.
ReplyDeleteSo true Christina dammit, thanks. x
DeleteThinking of you and love you! xxxx
ReplyDeleteYou too Lis xx
Delete((hug))
ReplyDeleteAccepted with thanks x
DeleteWell since we essentially have the same job I can only tell you how much I hear you!!! It is a tough job without the bad back. You're situation totally sucks. Really really sucks.
ReplyDeleteThanks Sal - yoga last night, feeling good today. xx
ReplyDelete