One day, I hope, in the not-too-distant future, I will start living in a more steady, predictable way and getting to enjoy the fun and creative bits of parenthood. I get to those when I am stronger of body, and it is those moments that make life sweet and memorable and inspiring. It feels like a while since I've been in that place.
Lately, I feel trapped in a cycle of panic, as my back goes out and I mentally obsess about how I will manage without bending or picking anything up ever again, and then it recovers and I am overcome with relief at being able to go about everyday life.
Everyday life with three kids under six involves a lot of strapping in and out of car seats, picking up clutter, and hauling laundry baskets. It's a super-bendy kind of job and it takes a level of energy and strength I am lacking right now.
This week it seems my bulging disc is waving hello again, and pinching the nerve that annoys it. Also, there is some sort of weird swelling on my spine. Osteo tomorrow. Fingers crossed etc.
I'm so tired of being in this loop. Spare minutes spent lying flat in bed, calculating kids TV and nap times so I can take a bath, losing my temper in the afternoon when the detritus of the day scatters the floor and all I can see are painful, frustrating pick-up sessions. The housework overwhelming me, the pace of life too much. One task tripping over the heels of the last, and too often, the sensation of failing in so many aspects of my job.
Tired of having a bad back.
Tired of whinging.