Friday, May 4, 2012

You Know Who You Are and You Know What You Did.


Ivy Scout. Theodore Fox. Mum is using your full names because she is Angry.

I have tried to teach the basics of life to you children. Say 'thanks', I have drilled. Put your undercrackers on when cartwheeling in front of anybody other than immediate family. Ask if anybody is hungry before you take the last croissant.

But I have neglected to teach you a critical point of etiquette, it seems. I am talking to you here Ivy. When you are busting to go to the toilet, and the toilet is occupied,  you must hang on. It's not acceptable to go in and physically push the person already on the toilet off their perch. 

They will get mad, shouting will ensue, and somebody will piss on the floor. I am probably looking at you here Theodore. 

Next, then your  mother will come along; middle-aged, frazzled, and thinking about forty things at once, and she will slip on the wet floor, and she will break her toe. 

And she will show it to the GP the next day, when she is discussing your asthma, Ted, and the doctor will say that it might not just be the toe that is broken, but the top of Mum's foot, and if this is true Mum must wear a massively unsexy and cumbersome boot. 

Not cool kids. 

Not cool at all. 

Pick up your socks please.* 

*And by thus I mean actually, literally, truly, pick up your socks, for the love of Jehovah, and put them in the laundry basket. 

13 comments:

  1. BOO floor wee.

    BOO broken toe.

    And BOO unsexy and cumbersome everything.

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  2. Oh dear. I shouldn't laugh, but when you write it out like this, it's a little funny. Probably because I can see it happening here.

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    1. You're allowed to laugh. After I stopped swearing I laughed a bit too. And I was just thinking about you today and wondering how your pregnancy was progressing. Hope the joints are holding together....

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  3. OH MY. Terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. Broken toes and feet are surprisingly painful for something so small. Red wine helps.

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  4. Oh no! I am so sorry that I am still laughing, but I have NEVER heard about a more bizarre way to break your toe or foot.
    Of course I hope that you get enough drugs to manage the pain and that it doesn't take too long to heal! AND that the two culprits at least pick up their socks for the rest of their lives...

    Fine

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  5. Oh my goodness. For once I am actually thankful that my children just go outside and piss outside when the loo is occupied. Ms. M has even be known to just step outside a pee on the backdoor step... because it would be too inconvenient to take two extra steps to the grass!!!
    Hope your foot feels better soon.

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    1. It feels OK Sal, although it is dramatically purple and swollen. Something about it is very satisfying actually. The actual pain to visual drama ratio is opposite to the real pain I've been in with my back this month. xx

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  6. Oh dear. Gin is the solution to ALL pain and problems and I am prescribing you to take it whenever you feel the need. I do declare it the closest thing I've had to "and she lived happily ever after" I promise it will not disappoint!

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  7. Thanks to the cootie warning , I won't come too close .... I'll just holler my sympathy from here .
    Wine , gin and a mindless DVD might help ?

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  8. it is a rare occurence for my child to actually use the toilet, it is all about the bush wee here in these parts. Poor you with the boot and the toe. As well as alcohol numbing the pain I also think a good dose of choclate and or cake will help ease the pain.

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Thanks for talking to me. I don't got cooties. Oh, except for when I got cooties.