Thursday, April 19, 2012

Hints To Young Ladies On Occasions That Require Them To Expose Their Genitalia Under Strong Lighting


a)  When your (young, male) doctor puts a big book up on the examination table, covers it with a paper sheet and says 'I like to do the procedure like this. It gives a better picture of your cervix,' it is OK to find the situation confusing and request clarification.

You are wrong to assume that the Pap smear protocol has changed, and the doctor wishes to sit in front of you on a stool.  While the doctor washes his hands behind the curtain, you should not take off your undies and then awkwardly straddle the book while trying to maintain a blase expression and keep up your end of a conversation about Lord Howe Island. He did not mean you to mount the book. He meant you to lie down on the bed and then rest your hips up high.

b) Do not allow your three year old son to play with your phone while this humiliating exercise unfolds. He will take photos. And video.

c) Change doctors.
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25 comments:

  1. This is very handy advice...I think!

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    1. Yes Lis, my sentiments every time the memory comes back.

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  3. Faaaaark that was funny. Your use of "mount" was just hilarious. x

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    1. 'Mount'. I know. Just the word makes your toes curl...

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  4. I often describe you as the most fabulously funniest person I have ever met - Oh My God I am in the best (premenstrual) mood ever!
    Forgive me FPA for I have sinned.... It has been 6 years since my last pap smear

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    1. Lolo, you may have had your quota when you volunteered for the medical students...I think you've earned a little break. But 6 years is too long. Go forth and straddle please.

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  5. Gasp!

    Feeling thankful that I - left the kids with hubby this week while undergoing the same, have a female doctor, she has no large books.

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  6. Oh gosh. I have one of those coming up. Though hopefully there will no mention of any books. If there is, I am prepared. Thank you.

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    1. Yes, be warned. They're changing it up in fanny-land.

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  7. Thanks for the LOL!!!

    Reminds me of the lady that wrote in (was it Column 8, years ago, can't remember) to say that before heading off for her pap smear she gave herself a bit of a wash "down there" using the flannel currently in the bathroom at home. When her (male) doctor went to do the deed he commented "goodness, you needn't have gone to so much trouble!". She had no idea what he was talking about, until she got home and realised that the flannel had previously been used by one of her kids... and was covered in glitter!!! Love it.

    Have to admit I have never had a pap smear by a male doctor. Not sure I could!

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    1. YES! A gold-star classic, that old story. I think of it every time the Pap smear rolls around... wonder if it is an urban myth?

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  8. Oh dear lord. Excellent advice, thank you.

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    1. Yes, it's possibly less pointlessly humiliating if I reframe the whole experience as a public service. You're welcome.

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  9. Who would have thought so much good could come from such a tragedy!? Thanks for the laughs :)

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  10. KILLING MYSELF LAUGHING. Man I love you. x

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  11. That is SO funny. I'm laughing out loud. I had my pap smear last week so all fresh memories for me too. Not that anything like that happened... and thankfully I manage to off load the three year old on a friend for an hour.

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Thanks for talking to me. I don't got cooties. Oh, except for when I got cooties.