Thursday, September 15, 2011

Not So Much OK.


Posting: sporadic.
Mood: erratic.


It's R U OK Day in Australia today, a suicide prevention initiative aimed at encouraging people to talk about their worries. I've been thinking about this today, becuase I've been feeling

not

so

OK.

This blog has never been a shiny place for me to be a supermama, even though it is the space where I tend to turn my everyday dramas into lowbrow comedy for the amusement of me, my mother, and my mother-in-law. I am honest here. But in life, I absolutely believe in finding the funny wherever it lives. So I've been kind of absent while life has been a little more tragi than comi.

Since George was born my recovery has felt like I've been wading through quicksand. Slow. Painful. Every leaving of the house has taken a huge chunk of my energy and set me back a day or two. This week, George turned four weeks old, Keith finished his paternity leave, and we copped a round of gastro. It kind of flipped my last switch, sending my energy stores down from 50 % to 25%. I can't remember my old life, my old self, how I managed. I am panicky about how I will manage the future. Three small children to wrangle, and I can't do the washing up without a Bex and a good lie down to recover.

I called Mum, bless her linen trousers, and she came on the train and stayed for three days. Ivy hurled her guts up for one full day and then moaned loudly and theatrically for the next. Ted, small blonde tornado, motored from activity to activity leaving trails of Lego and art supplies and shitty Wiggles underpants. Georgette, happiest when cuddled, needed to be on the boob a lot. My milk supply, affected by the tummy bug, was down, so she's been feeding slowly and often.

Chaos. Chaos.

I haven't been able to eat much this week. Nauseous. So I've been really feeling that sapping of strength spiralling downwards. The doc has run some blood tests. I tell you, I was gutted when my iron levels came back normal. I was hoping that I was anaemic, a nurse could shoot me full of blood with a giant comedy syringe and I would do jazz runs out of the medical centre and back into my busy, happy, energetic life. Nope. Normal, dammit. I do have to go and see her to discuss my thyroid though. A new and different beast to me. I have no idea what will come of that.

Last night, I had a little meltdown and unloaded to Keith in one of those inarticulate, gulping, halting monologues that feel impossible and pointless but end up releasing a great weight. I emailed friends today, told them I was messy and organised coffee.

I feel better.

Sharing is good.

How about you guys?

Are you OK?

24 comments:

  1. I'm ok and I hope that you will be feeling better soon. If it was your thyroid it would explain why you were feeling tired. Apparently it is quite common for some Mothers to have an overactive thyroid after birth, but it usually goes away by it's self. My thyroid went crazy after I had Cohen. It was a wiley beast and would not be controlled, so in the end I nuked it (with radioiodine) and now I am happy and healthy. That is, if you do not count the fact that I am happily 16 weeks pregnant and only just regaining some energy, but still nauseous as all get out.

    But still, thyroids can be a pain because they throw so much out of balance, like weight, moods, energy, temperature, periods etc. So I hope it's not your thyroid. But if it is, it's not so bad. Honest. You will be ok. :)

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  2. Hi! Yes I do smell a lot nicer than shitty toddler-pants! You sound as though you are coping pretty bl**dy well for someone with 3 small (including 1 extra small). The birth & the wog would both take it out of you and your partner going back to work must sound a grim finale to a scary time! You should congratulate yourself on calling your mum into action- got any friends who can cook & freeze some meals for you for a few more weeks? Do your basic shopping? Better to call on them for help when it's more obvious you need it than waiting until you keel over later.
    Be as strong as you can and as weak as you need to be to get a bit of a leg-up.
    I'm OK short term, not OK long term. SO I'm either side of you! Hugs! [[hugs]]

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  3. MM - ok, cept for a bastard shoulder-neck-head-sinus ache from the depth of hell. Thanks for asking.

    You know, there was quite a while there that I wasn't doing so ok, and it felt like it wouldn't just pass, because the climb out of the deep, deep pit I was in couldn't BUT consume a lot of time. But, it actually happened quite quick. It's weird like that - but I did offload a lot though... so I recommend you carry on as you have started.

    Loves towards you - in a smoogy bloggy kind of way from a kind-of-stranger to another.

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  4. I am good. Hoping the sunshine of health and recovering are heading your way. Nothing worse than getting the gastro when you have a newborn. Horrible! My sympathy and empathy are with you.

    Here's to a rosier tomorrow.

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  5. You know what Rach, you had a damn tough pregnancy, birth and recovery. Your body has taken an almighty hit and it's going to take time to recover. Lovely one if I lived closer I would come and help, really I would.

    If it makes you feel any better I think it's just a normal part of motherhood - the freaking out about how it's going to get done.

    Sharing is caring x

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  6. oh honey. what a rough go for you. but you ARE ok. by the standards set by U R OK day, anyway. you're alive. your man is alive. your beautiful babies are alive (and shit-kicking). you feel like hell, and have for some long time, but you will recover. in a year, this will be an amusing anecdote in your family story. i can't wait to hear the hilarity you spin out of this phase.
    in the meantime, i will include you in my pink beaded prayer ritual.
    incoherent crying is an essential emotional release. also, if you ever muster the energy when kids are sleeping, a good roll in the hay always helps.

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  7. We are grand thank you. But I remember feeling the same this time last year, and that was just with two. I think that it is OK to be not so OK and to say it, that it is OK to feel like you can't cope (you can, and you are) that it is normal to worry about how it'll all get done (but it will). It is absolutely necessary, in my book (a slim inconsequential volume) to have a meltdown every now and again and shout out all the horrid so somebody else can know how horrid the horrid is, and the horrid will cease to lurk like a malevolent dwarf pounding his fists against your stomach lining. I hope that life eases up and gives you a break soon, I wish a swift demise to all germs in the Mogantosh vicinity, and send bisous et pensées of admiration and encouragement from Frogland. Bx

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  8. I have been so far from okay lately too. All that RU OK day did was make me realise how many people are not okay right now.

    George is absolutely divine and I wish we lived closer, so that I could randomly drop food at your place (I have a plethora of eggs at the moment) and make you smile.

    And, if all else fails, eat chocolate. Just not during the gastro. Chocolate vomit is a bitch to clean up.

    xxx

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  9. My third babe is just three weeks old. My partner's paternity leave will soon come to an end and I too am wondering how I will manage it all. My partner seems to think a slow cooker is the answer to all ... but me thinks there might be more to it.
    I had a minor meltdown today but feel better having let some of the emotion and angst out. I'm tired. Breastfeeding is wearing me out. I'd forgotten how much energy is required, how long it takes and how regularly I'd be couch bound. Eldest child is doing well but middle child is still adjusting to new circumstances.
    What I wouldn't give for just a couple of hours out of the house... by MYSELF!

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  10. Ugh. I hear you. (Been there.) Although it may not feel like it, just getting through each day at the moment is a glorious achievement. One thing that helped me (aside from the reasonably regular incoherent sobbing to a loving husband)was learning to be gentle with myself. I recently found a scrappy list from that time entitled something like "Things I Could Do". This replaced the normal, much more bossy "To Do" lists and was a daily reminder that I didn't need to do it all. Or any of it :) This will pass; your body is healing. You need to grieve the changes. Love for the new life comes.

    I'd send you a casserole and a cleaning fairy only the cost is prohibitive from Canada ;-) Just know there's plenty who share your experience and live to tell the tale.

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  11. Hi there Mama Mogantosh. I'm an Australian living in the Yukon, Canada and have been enjoying reading your blog for a while now. I have my first baby; months old and currently breast feeding on my lap while I type one-handed.
    I don't have any advice as I struggle with just my one (she's not even rolling over and I'm loathe for that to happen!) but I wanted to let you know my thoughts are with you. My mind can't fathom 3 kids; I think you're awesome!

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  12. I'm OK hon, thanks for asking. Sorry to hear that you're in the scrubby end at the moment, but it will pass. It really will. You've delivered a brand new human being into the world (your third!) and you're feeding it with your own body's resources and you have two other little ones to love and nurture and you're sleep deprived. No wonder you're out of sorts. You might only get a minute or two to just close your eyes and breathe it all in/out, but it's important to just try. SO many times I've tried to find some 'cause' within my body (heart, thyroid, blood deficiency) as to why I felt a bit crap and so often the way out boiled down to someone's advice that I just needed to sit still for a moment or two and just say out loud what I felt. You're a great woman Rach, and you've just done something amazing, so let yourself catch up with it all. And yay to friends with organised coffee. Blanket is on its way. S xx

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  13. Jodi always writes the sweetest comments, doesn't she? I agree with her. Four weeks seems a really short time (although not when you're living it I'm sure!) to get your body back to fighting fit form after what you went through. Do you guys take a probiotic? It would help everyone recover from the gastro and boost everyone's immunity. Sorry to preach. I wish I could help too. Kellie xx

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  14. You're not just ok. You're pants-wettingly awesome. And everything bad ends. Except 'The X Factor'. That seems to go on forever.

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  15. oh poor Love. Good that you told Keith. Good that mum arrived. I bet you have loads of awesome mates who are only to happy to help. Wish I was closer so I could offer someting more practical. Meltdowns are GOOD!!! never a bad things at all. xxx

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  16. Oh my goodness, you are dealing with so, so much there. So much. I reckon anyone would have a tough time with that lot. Gastro is unpleasant at the best of times, but when you're learning to handle three little'uns on your own, well...
    I really hope things swing to positive for you very soon.
    xx

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  17. SEE YOU SOON MY LOVE...GLAD WE EMAIL CHATTED...HUGS OF THE BIG KIND AND A PINKY SWEAR THAT ALL WILL BE OK...XXX

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  18. Oh no! Gosh I hope you are all recovering and feeling better... and if you can't get on top of it, that you can get that next level of help, if need be. It's a wonderful, but sometimes traumatic time, those newborn days!

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  19. I'm fine.
    I had my third last year, my third baby in four years. I was exhausted. It was a hard slog, but the only way to do it is to just do it. Get as much help and rest as you can, and just do your best. It's probably the hardest thing you will ever do, but it'll make you stronger. Sending lots of love and cups of tea. x

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  20. I was not ok post birth last time. I struggled silently on. I cried alone lots. I don't know why I did that. I think it was from post birth pain that I felt would never end and lack of sleep and feeling so isolated and alone. I didn't have a scrap of help from anyone and my husband was given a promotion and working like a slave.

    But, it didn't last. I really only know this occured because at the time I kept a diary to help me out.

    So, while things are not super, it is important to know that it will end, bubs grow way too fast and before you know it you are nev home, you are out all the time!

    I am glad you called out to the locals for coffee though, reallupy don't know why I never did.

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  21. Rach, I hope it isn't your thyroid. I was diagnosed with an under-active thyroid (Hashimoto's) nearly 6 years ago and quite frankly, its a bastard. But, that said, it would be good to know what is going on so you can deal with it. I hope things improve for you all soon and I look forward to some shitty wiggles underpants of my own when we finally manage to get this toilet training thing under-way xxx

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  22. I am thinking of you Rach, and admire how honest and awesome you are. As Yazz says, the only way is up, and when the sheesh kebabs hit the fan, that's what I sing to myself. I am a bit sad and daggy though, so this may not even lift your spirits one iota.

    Be kind to yourself. Sit in the sunshine. Cuddling is always a good way to interact when too tired to be engaged.

    Will you email me your postal addy?

    I love you Mrs Mogantosh. x

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  23. I'm ok ... now. I think.

    We were singing "oopsy, daisy life's a bit crazy" for a wee while when life was tending to dishing out a particularly cruel series of moments, there is a very cool blog that got me through - oh that's you.

    Darling Rach, the issues are so real but don't let the bastards fester into monsters. Maybe there needs to be a collective burning of shitty pants (like burning bras) to symbolise the eradication of freedom... Or something.

    Love health and a good probiotic to you....
    Lolo

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  24. Rach, we had that horrid gastro thing and it was bloody awful, But with a newborn too? You are one amazing lady to be still here putting coherent (and so honest) words together.

    Sending big (probably useless on the illness front) hugs to you and that adorable baby of yours. I wish I could do more than that. Thinking of you. xoxo

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Thanks for talking to me. I don't got cooties. Oh, except for when I got cooties.