Monday, September 7, 2009

The Bagina Monologues

Gosh, it's been a while.

Here's a brief update:

Keith remains a fine figure of a man. Bum like two puppies fighting under a blanket. He is creaking a little under the pressure hose of life with two under three though, as I am. Hunching over a computer all day, driving too often to Canberra and throwing little people in the air is putting pressure on his back. It's gone funny. It hurts.

Ivy, soldering synapses at an incredible rate, learns more by the day. She's doing well on the toilet training front. Sportacus underpants. Many successes. And many momensts to remember. In the bath, with Teddy, Ivy usually adds her own little organic product to the mix. My argument against weeing in the bath water doesn't fly. 'It's not nice, Ivy,' I tell her. 'But Mummy,' she insists, 'It is nice.'

Hard to refute that.

Last night she contorted herself into a position worthy of a Ukranian gymnast and announced proudly: 'Mummy, I'm holding the wee in my bagina so I don't do it in the bath.' After a pause, a look of surprise. 'Mum! I did wee on my hand!'

Another day, another lesson.

Teddy, luckily, is still as adorable as a golden retreiver puppy, because he's got about as much sense. He hasn't got the memo yet about our improved routine. If I move two feet away from him, he wails as though I'm cutting his legs off. It's so sweet. He loves his Mummy. But it is


When he does get up to his own fun for a moment or two, it's Labrador-style. At the computer, he's clicking the mouse frantically around a box reading 'Are you sure you want to delete the file 'work in progress' and all its contents?' Then he's into the CD cabinet, and the glassware shelf. And when he does one of his mammoth poos, he's not happy until he's fully explored its textures with his foot.

Me, I'm cracking up just a little bit. Not enough to warrant a Prozac, rocks, with a twist; but enough that everyday life is starting to present new challenges. In recent days I've put deodorant on my face, filled my coffeepot and put it in the microwave, and after a massage, put my clothes back on, slung my handbag over my shoulder, and had my hand on the doorknob before I realised I had forgotten my top.

In general, I'm feeling a bit exhausted from the everyday grind. (Case in point - I'm writing this during our Wiggles break in the afternoon. Ivy just leaned in: 'Mummy, here's my boogie.' 'Your what?' 'My nose boogie.''I don't want your boogie, Ives.' 'But why not?' Face falls. 'Take my boooogieee..' And so it rolls.) I am in real need of a tiny break so I can have the distance to miss and appreciate my two little buddies. This stay-at-home Mum needs some be-in-world time.

This weekend I am heading away for two days with the ladies - hens weekend! It couldn't come at a better time. Lucy, organiser extraordinaire, sent me this email: Penthouse suite. The ladies. Karaoke downstairs. Adult incontinence diapers.

Full report later, if I'm not in custody.


  1. god iI laughed so hard reading that post!!! Chef was in the shower this morning and Busy asked him "Daddy did you wash your Bagina?" he - not wanting to get into a discussuion about it just said "yes" she said" good boy". Busy too, loves weeing in the bath- I try to explain it - she denies it- I tell her- I can tell when you wee - your eyes glaze over and you get the far away look.... she continues to deny.

  2. I just linked to this post from my blog- its so funny- have a great weekend by the way.

  3. Oh dear. Again, I am sorry I laughed so much. Sorry because I know that I have all that to look forward to with the currently 10 month old psycho child. AHHAHA.

    Your weekend sounds glorious! Get revoltingly drunk and do it all again!

  4. Oh, I am laughing! Your little people sound like such adorable little munchkins!

    I can understand why you're exhausted, though. Now go and get the car keys out of the freezer!

  5. Hey, I popped by via the lovely Ms Chooky. I'm feeling your pain. Though not the adult incontinence diaper sort of pain - I no longer jump on trampolines.

    Hope it is a blindingly good (less blinding the mornings after) weekend...

  6. Hehehe Great post. My daughter went to put the cat in the microwave and throw her heat pack out the window. Her son Isaac loves his mummy very much at the moment as well.So I will send her the link to your post. xox Kim

  7. God, I so relate. Unfortunately there is no hens weekend on the horizon here.

  8. Life is a fine balancing act and like a mobile phone on the roof of the subaru - you lose contact with the outside world, a possible voice of sanity is no longer accessible and all turns slightly left.

    I know... organise a wedding - that'll fix it.

    The weeing - I now find it funny. I find alot more things funny.

    I think I was a bad feminist in a past life. I am now surrounded by testosterone.

    I miss the dirty hetero's, HIV and chlamydia of yesterday.


  9. Hope your do was tops. Shelley and I promise to try to make it to your next hen's night.

  10. Hope you had a fantastic weekend and found a use for those adult incontinence diapers.


Thanks for talking to me. I don't got cooties. Oh, except for when I got cooties.